Piece of Cake
The Bride stood next to me, clipboard in hand, checking and re-checking the seating arrangements.
The Wedding Planner had it all arranged according to “Agreeability” - what cousin could sit next to what aunt, who could sit next to what uncle, who could sit next to The Mother of The Bride. The Father of the Bride could not be anywhere the family of The Mother of the Bride. The Paternal Grandmother of the Bride could not be anywhere near the… oh, Hell, it was all so confusing. (I am sure I butchered the grammar… whatever… send me hatemail…)
The Bride’s parents were divorced in a bitter, never ending battle some 12 years ago, and the family divide was so deep there was talk of building a moat down the center of the ballroom. The day this girl had been waiting for all of her life had to be executed with the same precision as an invasion on foreign soil. Or the half-yearly sale at Nordstrom.
On our first meeting she warned us that there were family issues. And that while they did not concern us, we would likely get some battle scars along the way. She told us that up front to both warn us and to test our desire to actually want to take on such a challenge. We assumed she was giving us the worst case scenario in an effort to make whatever really did happen seem like a piece of cake.
Little did we know, an actual piece of cake would be the center of the firestorm that caused the kind of mayhem and tears you only really see when The Bachelor dumps some fool of a girl and sends her back to the limo crying wondering how she will ever replace the man of her dreams. But instead of seeing a desperate girl cry to the camera as she rides down the highway, this time it was a dejected Grandmother wailing over the injustice of no one wanting her Duncan Hines Cherry Chip Cake she insisted on baking for The Father of the Bride. The fact that The Bride had picked a gorgeous decadent chocolate cake from the best baker in town so infuriated The Grandmother that in an act of defiance she baked that cherry chip disaster in an effort to let it be known that someone had to give her son the respect that he so deserved.
So as we looked over the room and she checked her clipboard, she looked to me and said, “What do you think?” The only response that came to me at that very moment was the most honest one… “You should have eloped….”
April 25th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Wait, why was the chocolate cake so infuriating? I can’t even imagine what that had to do with the divorce.
April 25th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
My niece wanted one of her wedding cake’s layers to be cherry chip–it is her hubby’s favorite. They couldn’t find it anywhere. The cake was dynamite without though.
April 25th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
So was the chocolate cake supposed to be the Groom’s cake or the wedding cake? I’m kinda confused. was the monstrocity cake as bad as the blood red armadillo cake from steel magnolias?
April 26th, 2009 at 4:37 am
C. in two words ‘Duncan Hines’.
My first wife and I eloped because of this sort of thing.
My mother was also not invited to my second wedding, she only found out because my idiot younger brother told her, as she was in China that day.
April 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am
wtf? Yep, I eloped. why did FOB need his own cake? was it his birthday? I have heard of groom’s cakes, but NEVER FOB cakes. I am baffled. did she make his wedding cake? his divorce cake? so confused… dare I even ask what the ‘worst case scenario” might be?
April 26th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Ditto re: “should have eloped”.
And it’s just sad; lord willing, having gone through such an awful wedding experience, the bride and groom will have a long and happy marriage!
April 27th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I hate to revel in the bride’s discomfort, but this story needs more details.
April 27th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Don’t fret about the grammar… its part of what makes you so loveable!
April 28th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I just eloped last week. This blog was fair warning that I didn’t want to deal with our crazy family and friends! Thank you so much wise FW!
April 29th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Details like what was the special cake dad like? How did the bride and MOB react to the grandmother. How did it end?
April 29th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Oh, come on…….there’s GOT to be more stories from that trick!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:08 am
I have been reading your blog for a long while and I thought I would take this opportunity to say thanks! I enjoy your writing and I’m sure your cooking/catering are dynamite. Keep up the good work!
May 1st, 2009 at 4:55 am
It makes me crazy that all of these related people cannot, for one stinking day, focus on the happiness of another. Shut the eff up and let the Bride and Groom have their day.
IT”S NOT ABOUT YOU GRANDMA! FOB! MAMA!
This is a hard business you are in Food Whore. Bless you!
May 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Dear FW, please delete my comment above. It was a reaction to the comment above it, and to all the foolishness that goes on around weddings these days. My comments had nothing to do with your blog, which I love. Sorry to have left them, and I hope you’ll delete it.
Thanks.
FW fan
May 3rd, 2009 at 11:45 pm
This isn’t about cake but about the link you have with the blog Chocolate and Zucchini. Since you have changed servers, your link with her no longer works. This was how I first found your blog. I would kill to have a link with her as she has so many readers. Just thought you’d like to know.