Diary of The Food Whore

Yeah, I know.

I go, I come back, I go, I come back…. I am like a yo-yo on a very long and twisted string.

I don’t think I had plannned for the breakneck schedule I would be on after the “hiatus”.   I thought, you know, ease back into it all like that first dip in the pool.  Instead it was like that time I was 5 and The Father decided it was time I learned to swim, so he hurled me off the dock into The Lake.  

It really wasn’t as traumatic as it all sounds, the water was only about 2 feet deep, and I did exact my revenge when I got out of the water and punched him direct in his… er… manhood.   It was a learning experience niether he nor I would ever forget.   (or is it he or I…. whatever, like I care) 

The Tricking has been a little out of control.  Recession be damned, people want to party, and they are hungry as Hell.   I’ve never served so many freaking meatballs as I have over the last few weeks and I keep thinking that at some point someone is going to say, “Enough of the balls already, toss a little lamb shank our way…”  But it’s always about the balls.

Graduation parties, weddings, funerals (I know… but people do eat at funerals…), anniversary parties… you name it, we’ve done it.  I keep waiting for a call from The Circus when they come to town, though I can’t express enough - as I have already before - Clowns…. NO CLOWNS.

But it’s all a great blessing, and I can’t complain.  I still seem to be in this ‘happy place’ that I can’t shake, and don’t tell anyone, but I am actually starting to enjoy all the happy.  There is a fair amount of trepidation coming from those around me - not wanting to poke the sleeping bear - but also just slightly afraid to become to comfortable with all the smiling for fear one of these days all the smiling could just mean I am plotting their death.

Either way, I am smiling.

Even last week when we sat down with what I can only describe to you as Red Neck Hairy.   His Daughter is getting married - a sweet little waif of a girl - and he wants “some good grub thrown on the table with all the fixins…”   Which, we can do fixins, but not for $5.00 per person.  When I said as much to him, he took the knife* out of his mouth long enough to say, “Why?  Chickun is cheap…”   And as soon as he said that I had this visual of him showing up to my back door with 40 headless chickens demanding to be plucked.

Fortunately he was a man to be reasoned with, and we were able to come to a common goal.  I was only slightly frightened when he wondered if he provided the beef if it would be cheaper - again - I saw a bloody carcass in my future - but it turns out he knows a butcher, who as it just so happens is friends with the baker making the wedding cake.  

And no, as tempted as I was, I didn’t ask about the candle stick maker… the man used a pocket knife* to pick his teeth.  

I might be happy, but I am not stupid.

There have been many occasions this week where I asked myself why I do this.   We were shorted on a food delivery, some of the produce was rotten, and there was a chain of unfurtunate events that lead to me having to make a trip to - that place I hate the most - Costco.

On sample day.

On the hottest day of the year.

Seriously, people, it’s a freaking chicken nugget - there’s no need to demo derby your carts to get to them.  (Annie - I nearly lost my nice…)

But last night, even as I was losing a battle with an oven that would not hold temperature, I remembered why I do this.   The Bride and Groom arrived to the venue and the first place they came was to the kitchen.  They cheered when they saw the food and gave us big hugs.  They were a darling couple, so intent on showing their guests a good time.  And their attitude showed through the entire room.   People were happy - they were kind - they were fun. 

The vibe in the room was that of complete happiness.

And when I walked the tables to do a quick sweep of anything messing up the flow, I only found one cocktail meatball sitting precariously on the edge of the table. And as is habit I put it in my pocket, and kept scanning the room.

But on my way back to the kitchen my worst fear happened - I was pulled onto the dance floor. And at first I resisted but then I thought ‘What the Hell - it’s the new me’, so I allowed myself to be spun a few times and had a few laughs. And I thought I was in the clear until he dipped me - and that cocktail meatball fell onto the floor at a moment when the music stopped and all eyes were on me.

And on that meatball… and that meatball didn’t look so much like a meatball lying there in the middle of the dance floor.

Before I could stop myself I found myself shouting, “I swear it’s a meatball!!”

And everyone laughed. And my dance partner did that dramatic forehead wipe and said, ‘Whew… for a minute there I thought you got so excited you pooped.”

Now I remember….

It’s not June 1st.   

I decided that since Conan O’Brien was going to be on The Tonight Show for the first time I did not want to steal his thunder. 

See what time off turned me in to?  A nice person…. scary, right?

And also a foolish person.   As you can see - it’s all still the same here.  And it will be the same until… well, Hell, I don’t know.  And I could care less.

See what time off did to me?  I am carefree…scary, right?

And you should know - this was the wrong week for me to come back.  I am in the middle of back to back everything… especially Tricking.    So much with all the food - I just realized I smell like chicken.  And not in a good way.

So I’m here, I’m nice and happy… scary, right?

Don’t worry though - I am still the same Food Whore.  Just a little more amped up, I went and got all stupid and got myself a Blackberry.  And the damn thing won’t stop ringing - E-mail!  Texts!  Messages from the Web!   I feel like I am walking around with a tiny tour guide in my pocket.  

And I made the mistake of telling A Client that yes I do, in fact, text.  

OH MY GOSH.   42, that was the last count of texts this week.  42!   HUGE MISTAKE PEOPLE.  

Huge.

So I’m here - I’m happy - I’m nice - but I am still living in Crazy Town.   And a bunch new people have moved in… I can’t wait to tell you about them.